Stayin Alive...

I was robbed:
I was robbed of the ability to trust. Period.
I was robbed of the ability to form relationships. Period.
I was robbed of my childhood
I was robbed of my security
I was robbed of my innocence
I was robbed of my virginity
I was robbed of my femininity
I was robbed of my dignity
I was robbed of my self-worth
I was robbed of my ability to play
I was robbed of my identity
I was robbed of my sexuality
I was robbed of so many things…

In exchange I was given in his place:
Confusion about my identity
Deep shame about my body
Feeling totally dirty, filthy, second hand goods, damaged goods
Deep revulsion about the acts that so violated me
Feeling violated to my very core
Totally confused sexuality
Ashamed of who I am
Unsure of who and what I am
Immense guilt
Self blame
Deep trauma
Immense anger and rage
Shame that goes beyond any words that can adequately describe its intensity

Sometimes, I don’t really know who I am.

Sometimes it makes me so angry and underlines my need for justice; my need for my story to be known; my need for people to know what he did and how it devastated my life.

That anger and need for justice also informs my determination to:
Stay alive
Find a voice
Tell the truth
Be heard

And eventually to heal and be able to, one day, move on from all of this, so that only part of my life has been devastated, not the whole part of it.

They are who?

Hope, they say, springs a new each day,
And though I seek, I cannot find,
A comfort here to ease my mind.

Love, they say, will come to those who wait,
And though I wait, I cannot bring,
My lover here to share my living.

Time, they say, will heal all wounds,
And though I cover up my scars,
I cry at night to empty stars.

Absence, they say, makes the heart grow fonder,
Then our love must be intense,
The space between us so immense.

As I sit here healing, hoping, and loving,
My thoughts wander as I pray,
The endless question circles round,
Just who the hell are they?

(P)

One Breath, One Chance....to Listen

One breath, one chance,
All lost in a moment,
We shall never receive again,
No regrets, no turning back,
What's done, is done.

If it shall be,
Forget the past,
It's time to face the future,
Our only alternative,
Our only way out.

There's no escape besides death,
I've searched and never found another way,
It's the one path,
I dread for many before I've chosen it,
But if it's fate,
So be it.

It seems my future is already chosen,
The steps are already taken,
The tears - cried,
Heart - broken,
And life - ruined,
By an unmistaken hand,
And again,
So be it.

Life is what it is, right?
Easy come, easy go?
Is that the same for people?
When they cry out for help,
And others turn a deaf ear their way.

Is that a sign?
I don't understand,
I am not asking for help,
I am fathoming the expectancy of the human mind,
When one is hurting,
Yet there is no one,
NO ONE there for them,
Why is that?
Are we blind?

Do we not see the tear-stained cheeks,
The saddened eyes, the hunched shoulders,
Or are we too caught up in our own lives to worry,
That someone else may be in great pain,
Whether it be physically or emotionally...

I will never understand,
How people can just turn away...
I feel your pain,
I shed those tears,
I ache for that belonging,
I know what you're going through,
And I will listen.

(P)

Life Is...

Life can be kind and rough,
Life can be complicated and tough,
Life can be love and hate,
Life can make you move and carry weight.

Life can be up and down,
Life can be silent and sound,
Life can be laughter and great,
Life can break you and be all you can take.

Life can make you want to hide,
And can make you proud,
Life can be such a pride,
Life can bring you to the ground.

No matter where you find yourself in life,
Or no matter where it takes you,
Just know that there is always someone out there,
Who has made the same mistakes too?

So life can be stressful,
And life can be cruel,
But life is a teacher,
And the rest is up to you.

(P)

Untitled

The reality which cannot be simply tolerated,
The ugliness which cannot be artfully decorated,
Among the inexplicable and byzantine complicated,
Longingly looking forward to the patiently awaited.

Easiness is uncontrollably vanishing and moving farther,
Even breathing in and out is becoming so much harder,
I can feel the impossibility of turning calmer,
I can see the light fading, and life becoming darker.

Truth is what sometimes occasions too much of pain,
Hesitation is the dominant addiction for the insane,
Faults made, guilt felt, and blame is taken again,
And limitless repeated questions of how and when.

No answers are anticipated to be clearly given,
Arguments which have been everlastingly hidden,
As the existence of what is titled hell and heaven,
And who would forgive, and who would be the forgiven.

- Although untitled, this poem describes itself

(P) 2013

Smother Me

Smother me
Take my breath away
On begging knees a girl shall prey
A girl that needs relief from all the pain
A girl that needs to see a sunny day
A girl that needs the tears to come
To wash away all her hurt
A girl that feels so foolish and dumb
A girl that thought love was forever

She becomes the one that hides
In her own shadow
A shadow of secrets
That dwell in her head
And the words from her tongue
That will never be said
Always a secret in her own life
A secret she feels
With the thoughts of as knife

A girl that bleeds outside and in
A girl that screams
Smother me
I'm a walking sin
A girl that's like a monster inside
Wanting to bleed
Preying to die
A girl that wants no secrets no more
A girl that need to walk out the door

A door of dreams that's buried in her head
A door that opened to let her heart in
A knife could solve the sickness within
Damaged goods is all that stands
A heart of secrets is her pain
And her only relief is to release the strain
A girl who cuts deep into her skin
Wears the marks because she is the condemned.

(P) 2011

Share

Share.
Share the experience that you have had.
Share the pains that you have been in.
Share.
Share with others.

You have been through the desert time, you have been through the mountain time, you have been in the valley time, so you can share that in all those places and in all those times, I (God) was there. I strengthened you. I sustained you.  I fed and watered you.  In the good times, in the bad times, you sought Me, and you found Me.  Help those who do not know Me to find Me too. To know My goodness, My mercy and My love.

There are many paths to follow and not all choose the path of life.
Share, so My people know this path, which is the way to truth and light.  I am working in ALL things.  I am turning what seems bad to what is good.  I work in all things at all times.
Share all the times you have known in Me.
Share all the experiences you have walked with Me.
Share, for there are many out there who are lost, who are being led astray, who are seeking and waiting for what you can share.  Do not be afraid, no, have no fear.  In everything you do, everything you say, I will bless you with the words. I will hold your hand. Be bold, walk forward and share.
Share the desert times and the summer times. The times of weeping and the times of joy.
Share that they may know that I give freely to all who ask, to all who seek.

Share that they may know My Love which stretches over the horizons and is limitless.
Share that they may be renewed and have hope.  Use these times, the wilderness times that I changed, to encourage others.
Share.
Plant the seeds.  I AM the one who will see that they blossom and bloom. I will take care of them. I will nurture them, I will love them, yes, I will save them.
Share.

*(Written from the perspective of God's word to me)

Songbird

Bitterly cold,

the sun shines

an icy illusion, yet

she watches the birds

striking the sky, with

 

the promise of warmth,

the harsh, raging,

glow in the sky

light, light

extinguished, it sucks.

 

the air is dry,

the sky breaks,

no safe place,

she watches it,

no signposts in the dark,

 

the blackness crashes

over her head,

the air is calm after a storm.

entrapped within a

glass jar, suffocating, 

 

she is, a corpse, vile,

consumed by this life,

her mask is too firm,

frozen, and beating

against the wall of her mind.

 

silently screaming,

whispering defeat,

it haunts the air,

ashes of a burnt-out fire,

faded.

 

wilting curtains and linen

sat lonely on

a shelf in time,

clouds clung to mountains

without strings, but

 

somewhere she cries,

let me go

inside a gilded cage,

a songbird always

look so plain, so

 

dead.

can't break through

the morning mist.

 

last night, she dreamt

that she grew wings.

 

(P) 2010

 

 

Sunflowers Immortal

Proudly, the silk sunflowers stand
in their glass, ornate prison cell.
Stems shining like ivory in the
dusky sunlight. How dare the
flowers act that they are alive.

Their heads swivel and point to the Sun,
so fatuous in detail, no photosynthesis.
Immortal and yet they pretend to be.
Golden whispers trace their man-made veins,
purely for show, no little spurts of growth.

Lifeless in their still life art. There is
little that they cry about. My wilting
roses in the garden scream at night.
Too long have they lost their loving touch
and how cruel are these barren buts of plastic.

Imitating happiness and spontaneity in their
slick and cold gaiety. They can fool the Sun,
but not my weary, dulled eyes.
My mind is thick with my own whispers to deal with,
nevermind ones emitted from such shallows.

To Anna

To Anna, the Little Girl in Me

original poem written on 10/06/10 & shared in group therapy in AZ

 

Unable to breath the peace and joy that God has woven into your soul,

Inside you cried, you screamed and demanded answers

to the abuse that has taken it's toll.

 

I kept you as safe as I only knew how,

I cringe and wince feeling the scars left in you now.

My dear Anna, you didn't deserve all the abuse and to not be loved,

They damaged your soul with a smile and then they just shrugged.

How could evil take over such a precious innocent lamb?

 

Where were you God? I needed your hand.

Protection from the "blackness" was to become part of my walls,

Being small, you created a cover to protect you from all.

That same cover has locked you inside a prison of shame,

You're scared and alone waiting for answers that never came.

 

As they raised their voice to shout, a blank-stoned face looked out,

They were all bad, they did evil things,

Just like scorpions all around you, you took all of their stings.

It seemed as if no one loved you,

Just I....and I couldn't protect you, or we'd both die.

 

I tried to be strong, so I could save you one day,

You are safe now my child, with me you will stay.

I will give you the love that you never embraced,

We will play and have fun, the ugly past we'll erase.

 

When the tears need to come out, you too can cry

My child, you can laugh, smile, and cry anytime at all,

Get angry, face the demons, climb out from that wall!

I will embrace you and sing to you as mothers do,

You're my precious child, and I'll forever take care of you.

Sleep well tonight little girl,

We've got a big day tomorrow,

Rebuilding our life and letting go of the sorrow.

I love you Anna, the little girl in me...

 

 

*no part of this poem may be republished or printed without permission from the author*

 

 

I'm gathering

Every little piece, every little piece

I’m gathering every single little piece

Yes, every little piece, I am gathering them

Every little piece of your shattered heart anna

I’m gathering them together from every place they scattered to and from

I’m gathering them from the darkest deepest dingiest corner

Every little piece, anna, every little piece.

I know about and care deeply about each and every one

You can trust me again MY daughter, MY precious child

I will miss none of the little pieces of your heart

I am gathering together all the pieces of your heart

Every little piece is precious to ME

Every little piece is special and belongs to ME

Every little piece is known well to ME

Yes I know every little piece and how to bring them together

I know what happened to every little piece

And I care deeply about every little piece

I know where each little piece scattered to and why

I know every little piece that has hidden away

I saw them break, scatter, run and hide

I am gathering them all together in order to restore

I will not stop my labors till I have every little piece gathered in

Every little piece will be put back together

In only the way I know how

Yes there will be no fault lines MY child

It will be as if your heart never shattered

Every little piece matters to ME

Every little piece belongs

Every little piece fits and has its place

I love every little piece of your heart and I love you

You are MY masterpiece, MY work of art

Every little piece, every little piece anna,

They will come together and be healed

It is ok and it is going to be ok

You are doing great, I am so proud of you

Every little piece of the puzzle will be found by ME

Every little piece my daughter

Every little piece MY precious princess

Every little piece . . . yes every little piece.

(p) africantree

 

*anna (pronounced on-nuh) is my inner child.