Stayin Alive...

I was robbed:
I was robbed of the ability to trust. Period.
I was robbed of the ability to form relationships. Period.
I was robbed of my childhood
I was robbed of my security
I was robbed of my innocence
I was robbed of my virginity
I was robbed of my femininity
I was robbed of my dignity
I was robbed of my self-worth
I was robbed of my ability to play
I was robbed of my identity
I was robbed of my sexuality
I was robbed of so many things…

In exchange I was given in his place:
Confusion about my identity
Deep shame about my body
Feeling totally dirty, filthy, second hand goods, damaged goods
Deep revulsion about the acts that so violated me
Feeling violated to my very core
Totally confused sexuality
Ashamed of who I am
Unsure of who and what I am
Immense guilt
Self blame
Deep trauma
Immense anger and rage
Shame that goes beyond any words that can adequately describe its intensity

Sometimes, I don’t really know who I am.

Sometimes it makes me so angry and underlines my need for justice; my need for my story to be known; my need for people to know what he did and how it devastated my life.

That anger and need for justice also informs my determination to:
Stay alive
Find a voice
Tell the truth
Be heard

And eventually to heal and be able to, one day, move on from all of this, so that only part of my life has been devastated, not the whole part of it.