Stayin Alive...

I was robbed:
I was robbed of the ability to trust. Period.
I was robbed of the ability to form relationships. Period.
I was robbed of my childhood
I was robbed of my security
I was robbed of my innocence
I was robbed of my virginity
I was robbed of my femininity
I was robbed of my dignity
I was robbed of my self-worth
I was robbed of my ability to play
I was robbed of my identity
I was robbed of my sexuality
I was robbed of so many things…

In exchange I was given in his place:
Confusion about my identity
Deep shame about my body
Feeling totally dirty, filthy, second hand goods, damaged goods
Deep revulsion about the acts that so violated me
Feeling violated to my very core
Totally confused sexuality
Ashamed of who I am
Unsure of who and what I am
Immense guilt
Self blame
Deep trauma
Immense anger and rage
Shame that goes beyond any words that can adequately describe its intensity

Sometimes, I don’t really know who I am.

Sometimes it makes me so angry and underlines my need for justice; my need for my story to be known; my need for people to know what he did and how it devastated my life.

That anger and need for justice also informs my determination to:
Stay alive
Find a voice
Tell the truth
Be heard

And eventually to heal and be able to, one day, move on from all of this, so that only part of my life has been devastated, not the whole part of it.

They are who?

Hope, they say, springs a new each day,
And though I seek, I cannot find,
A comfort here to ease my mind.

Love, they say, will come to those who wait,
And though I wait, I cannot bring,
My lover here to share my living.

Time, they say, will heal all wounds,
And though I cover up my scars,
I cry at night to empty stars.

Absence, they say, makes the heart grow fonder,
Then our love must be intense,
The space between us so immense.

As I sit here healing, hoping, and loving,
My thoughts wander as I pray,
The endless question circles round,
Just who the hell are they?

(P)

One Breath, One Chance....to Listen

One breath, one chance,
All lost in a moment,
We shall never receive again,
No regrets, no turning back,
What's done, is done.

If it shall be,
Forget the past,
It's time to face the future,
Our only alternative,
Our only way out.

There's no escape besides death,
I've searched and never found another way,
It's the one path,
I dread for many before I've chosen it,
But if it's fate,
So be it.

It seems my future is already chosen,
The steps are already taken,
The tears - cried,
Heart - broken,
And life - ruined,
By an unmistaken hand,
And again,
So be it.

Life is what it is, right?
Easy come, easy go?
Is that the same for people?
When they cry out for help,
And others turn a deaf ear their way.

Is that a sign?
I don't understand,
I am not asking for help,
I am fathoming the expectancy of the human mind,
When one is hurting,
Yet there is no one,
NO ONE there for them,
Why is that?
Are we blind?

Do we not see the tear-stained cheeks,
The saddened eyes, the hunched shoulders,
Or are we too caught up in our own lives to worry,
That someone else may be in great pain,
Whether it be physically or emotionally...

I will never understand,
How people can just turn away...
I feel your pain,
I shed those tears,
I ache for that belonging,
I know what you're going through,
And I will listen.

(P)

Life Is...

Life can be kind and rough,
Life can be complicated and tough,
Life can be love and hate,
Life can make you move and carry weight.

Life can be up and down,
Life can be silent and sound,
Life can be laughter and great,
Life can break you and be all you can take.

Life can make you want to hide,
And can make you proud,
Life can be such a pride,
Life can bring you to the ground.

No matter where you find yourself in life,
Or no matter where it takes you,
Just know that there is always someone out there,
Who has made the same mistakes too?

So life can be stressful,
And life can be cruel,
But life is a teacher,
And the rest is up to you.

(P)

Untitled

The reality which cannot be simply tolerated,
The ugliness which cannot be artfully decorated,
Among the inexplicable and byzantine complicated,
Longingly looking forward to the patiently awaited.

Easiness is uncontrollably vanishing and moving farther,
Even breathing in and out is becoming so much harder,
I can feel the impossibility of turning calmer,
I can see the light fading, and life becoming darker.

Truth is what sometimes occasions too much of pain,
Hesitation is the dominant addiction for the insane,
Faults made, guilt felt, and blame is taken again,
And limitless repeated questions of how and when.

No answers are anticipated to be clearly given,
Arguments which have been everlastingly hidden,
As the existence of what is titled hell and heaven,
And who would forgive, and who would be the forgiven.

- Although untitled, this poem describes itself

(P) 2013

Smother Me

Smother me
Take my breath away
On begging knees a girl shall prey
A girl that needs relief from all the pain
A girl that needs to see a sunny day
A girl that needs the tears to come
To wash away all her hurt
A girl that feels so foolish and dumb
A girl that thought love was forever

She becomes the one that hides
In her own shadow
A shadow of secrets
That dwell in her head
And the words from her tongue
That will never be said
Always a secret in her own life
A secret she feels
With the thoughts of as knife

A girl that bleeds outside and in
A girl that screams
Smother me
I'm a walking sin
A girl that's like a monster inside
Wanting to bleed
Preying to die
A girl that wants no secrets no more
A girl that need to walk out the door

A door of dreams that's buried in her head
A door that opened to let her heart in
A knife could solve the sickness within
Damaged goods is all that stands
A heart of secrets is her pain
And her only relief is to release the strain
A girl who cuts deep into her skin
Wears the marks because she is the condemned.

(P) 2011